Ordering Technique Part I: The Screenplay


INT. ANY OVERPRICED RESTAURANT -- EVENING
The restaurant is packed with beautiful people jammed into clothing that no human being should actually be able to fit in. At the table where these beautiful people will not have to be encumbered with his physicality, sit PABLO and his girlfriend PICKLED JALAPENO. PABLO is underdressed and waving his arms wildly as he is talking. PICKLED is trying to pay attention, but her phone is lighting up with text message after text message.

PABLO
If a tip is to

(airquotes)
"To Insure Proper Service"

(cont)
why do we do it at the end of a meal? You can't insure your house after it burns down. It's really To Reward Proper Service. T-R-P-S. It's tuh-errrpppss.

PICKLED just stares at him, her eyes revealing that she is calculating the cost/benefit analysis of a nice dinner versus her ability to endure another evening with this raving lunatic. She looks over PABLO's shoulder noting that their waitress has overheard their conversation.

WAITRESS
(coughing)
Hi folks, you doin' ok over here? Have any questions about the menu?

PABLO
Trrrrrrrr-ppppsss. Yeah, what's good here?

WAITRESS
Well, tonight we have a fish special, an 8 ounce butter poached Escolar fillet, served over a bed of micro algae with ferzizzled potatoes. Escolar is a delicious firm textured fish, with a fat content I know you will love.

PABLO
Ferzizzled potatoes. Sounds Fancy! I'll take it.

WAITRESS
(turning to PICKLED)
And what would you like?

PICKLED
I'll take the salad. Can I have the dressing on the side and a poached egg on top?

WAITRESS
Coming right up.

As the WAITRESS walks off, a diner at the neighboring table motions to her. The camera pans over to the table where we see FRANK BRUNI is dining with SNOOP DOG.

SNOOP DOG
Yo, that Escolar sounds tight. Can I get a --

WAITRESS
(whispering)
Mr. Snoop, I assure you, you don't want the special --

SNOOP DOG
Don't be tellin' me what I want. I want the frezizzled potizzles!

FRANK BRUNI
Snoop, an eight ounce portion of escolar

(pauses and leans close)
It's the culinary equivalent of

(air quotes)
"the shank"

The WAITRESS nods once, confirming FRANK BRUNIs statement.

SNOOP DOG
(nodding)
Thats some cold shit.

The camera CUTS back over to PABLO's table.

PABLO
Did you hear that? She just un-recommended my dish to snoop.

PICKLED
From The Wire?

PABLO
No! The other Snoop.

(agitated)
You can't un-recommend something! The bond between server and patron is sacred! I am going to say something--

PICKLED
(through her teeth)
Don't. You. Dare.

PABLO
It's totally coming out of her tuh-er-puh.

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1 comments:

Paul Baclace said...

It's hard to out-do "spicy pony head"... but worth trying!

Rule of thumb I gleaned from experience: if the waiter says "it's very *" then pick something else. The educational moment for me was for "smokey". That duck must have come from a 4 alarm fire that smoldered for days.

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